A lot can happen in 24 hours. Take, for example, the movie job falling through. With my next three weeks suddenly left wide open I decided to plunge forth and pursue volunteering at Mt. Sinai by getting a urine test. Sounds simple enough no? Wrong, WRONG,WRONG. I showed up at Quest diagnostic center about 12:30. I didn't have to go in the worst way but enough came out- or so I thought. The gaggle of black and latina nurses promptly told me not only was it not enough, but that I was only allowed to pee three times, not allowed to leave the premises between bathroom trips or it would be void, and that I had to supply like a pint of pee. So I drank from the water cooler like I'd been in the desert ten weeks. After reading an old issue of Newsweek I thought "Yes finally I can pee". I pictured water falls and lakes- but still- the nurse took sick delight in informing me- not enough. It was now past 2 o'clock and all I could do was drink and play Tetris on my cell phone. I began to wonder if they'd ever taken such an interest in someone's pee before. With each session on the john they clearly came to believe I was some kind of crazed drug user trying to trick the pee test by underperforming. I almost made myself sick drinking do much water. Visions of that boy who died in a "hazing" accident when he got water poisoning from drinking to much flashed before me. FINALLY I felt like this was it. The nurses, shocked I was still there since clearly I was an insane druggie, had to inspect the bathroom before I went in this time. Not to mention telling me not to wash my hands or flush the toilet. Then they put a tablet in the toilet- clearly some kind of "this girl is a drug addicted liar" device that fizzed and turned the water blue. It all came out in a torrential down pour. The cup wasn't even enough to hold it. But this time when I presented them with my pee a new problem had arisen. The nurse had failed to mention that while drinking water would make me pee, it also diluted it, and therefore could make it totally worthless and I'd have to come in AGAIN. It was surreal having a group of people so interested in my urine- I don't know if I ever would put so much time and effort into someone else's sample. I also felt incredibly guilty because they kept giving me looks of "tsk tsk, lousy druggie". I kept trying to assure them I was a good person with honorable intentions, but they just looked at me like "yea, I heard THAT one before." By 3pm I left the clinic thoroughly dejected- I had no idea peeing could be this traumatic!
