Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Sell it

There was a very wise man- my idol Claude Bristol as a matter of fact- who said "If you can convince yourself you can convince the other fellow". I find this applies beautifully to advertising. I started my transition out of my midlife crisis last night at SVA where I'm learning advertising. The class was taught by two awesome fellows who drew caricatures of themselves on the chalk board so we'd know who they were. How could I not love them? If they love me remains to be seen- I wasn't getting the warm and fuzzy vibe. Most of the people are between 22-40 I'd guess, and many are already in advertising but just want to work on their books. I am hoping tonights installment will yield people who, like me, never took a single advertising class, and instead wasted 4 years studying how to write a bad script and give a detailed history of Zorostrianism.
My current obsessions include my roots which are giving away the fact that I am clearly not a natural blonde (have to wait till February to do my roots as I can only afford a touch up every 2 months), the hasid rapper Matisyahu (how cool is that?), cashmere sweaters, and going back to weight watchers before my gut overflows into a sea of bubble fat. No doubt if I can convince myself to go Mr. Bristol would be proud.

Monday, January 23, 2006

I made Gawker!

Who knew my desire to spread malicious gossip could pay off? My sighting made the Gawker Stalker! I am so hipster cool I just may die. My brilliant writing:

"Not sure if any of these people are “cool” enough for Gawker but I saw Martha Stewart and The View’s Joy Behar at the Antique pier show this weekend. Martha looks like she’s had a face-lift (or at least her eyes done) and Joy looked so awful without the professional makeup and lights that I had to hear her voice to be sure it was her."

The link for the goods:


So now I've discovered the origin of the term "crazy quilt"- yea they want you to believe it's a pattern- but oh no- it's the feeling you get when you're up to you neck in fabric hoping like crazy you can cut a straight line yet alone finish it. No wonder it usually takes 20 old ladies to make one frickin quilt! In my ever continuing quest to finish my nephew Jack's quilt I've also discovered why sewing machines were invented. Sadly I have no such machine, and even if I did I wouldn't know how to use it. So I'm stuck bumbling away on a pettern which gets more complex every time I breathe on it. I had a real bad ass pattern figured out but then my mom claimed it looked like a "cross" (pffff yea right), but you can't go giving religious jews crosses since I guess it's not kosher or something so I changed it. Not to say the quilt isn't looked wicked (it most certantly is), but it still would be easier to finish the damn thing with 50 poor kids in a sweatshop!

Friday, January 20, 2006

putting the Ai back in Kawaii

I realize Craigslist postings are uber fun but Kawaii NYC isn't about some moron artist demanding free housing, or unwanted poodles- it's about me damnit! But why get rid of a great gimmick? So from now on you can read my CL rantings at http://cllosers.blogspot.com/
and keep Kawaii NYC your #1 source of all things Halli!

Oh yea I'D hire him

When begging, please learn to spell.

The embarassing thing is it took me like a minute to realize it's a joke

Aparently someone has real issues with dogs being given away on cl! Who is this mysterious poodle they speak of? While I keep looking enjoy the backlash!
Llama or poodle? I vote llama

Thursday, January 19, 2006

I'm so excited! And I just can't hide it!

Unlike Whitney I managed my excitment without crack, something I am very proud of. I am also not about to lose control- something she did years ago and appears to be keeping with. Life has been pretty good this week. I've started officially looking for a new nest to reside in, networked my butt off at a Newhouse event, talked to my friend Kris in Iraq (always good to find out he's not dead), got vindication by an ex calling me and leaving a pathetic messege (no I will not call you back), hopped back on the weight watchers band wagon, and despite my unseemly gut got asked out on a date by a jew (my grandma would be so proud). If I wasn't afraid of a VH1 lawsuit I might even dare to call this the best week ever. Ok, well maybe not ever, but the best week in a while anyway. Still it's only thursday- perhaps this could indeed be the best week ever!

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

How did I miss this?

Ok- Just when I thought cl couldn't get any more warped I clicked on the missed connections area. Holy cow! It's like watching 50car wrecks, each more pathetic then the last. And while you know you shouldn't look, god it feels so good to. Below is a personal fav from today. Expect more from me in the future!

Worst postings on Craigslist!

It's been a few days and way to many cl weirdos since I've posted new awards. I have yet to find a posting that deserves a 1rst or 2nd place, but here are some interesting postings totally worth looking at.
- Doesn't sound like much of a trade off to me: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/bar/126378376.html
-Because no one has ever seen a horror movie involving a chain saw:
-Plain old ew

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

A great way to see if your book will flop or not

The title 'boobs sex sex' has a 10.2% chance of being a bestselling title! Who would have thought? But the title 'A walk on the edge' has a 59.3% chance of being a bestselling title! Now all I have to do is get off my ass and write the book that I've been avoiding since high school. Will your title sell?

Friday, January 13, 2006

Keep dreaming!

If there's one thing I've learned being raised in NY it's this- no one cares if you're a starving artist, we're ALL starving artists! NO ONE WANTS TO SUPPORT YOU AND YOUR LAME ART FOR FREE!
Your own room and bath for nothing? Not even sex? DREAM ON! 1rst prize for worst cl posting today and it's not even noon- good lord.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

More ways to kill time Online

If you're really gorrilla you'll actually post these in the Subway!


Every now and then the web probduces something amazing. For those of us who hate Brangelina this is one of those things!

Wednesday, January 11, 2006


This whole 'to move out or not' thing is really freaking me out. Despite my less then steller track record with roommates I've managed to snag meetings with about 3 girls. Part of me is like "woohoo!" the other part is more like "holy crap!" Now I'm known to have serious nest issues- every year from summer camp through college my mother couldn't drop me off without me clinging to her and begging "Don't go!" And this was when I knew I was coming back home at the end of the year. So imagine my freaking out now. As for the slutty girl below - well I'm just curious why she showed up as a graphic on google when I typed in image search for "panic"!

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

It's really the same thing, isn't it?

Well I for one can't see why Jesus wouldn't have approved!


Monday, January 09, 2006

Paging DR Obvious!

"Black holes are drains in space that have gravitational pull so strong that nothing, not even light, can escape. Huge ones are believed to lurk at the centers of many galaxies including the Milky Way, which contains the sun."

Next up- the sea contains fish!

The article:

By far and away #1

If you're going to beg, please at least check your spelling
-Pank me please http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/bar/123872815.html

Most Stupid CL Posting

It's not even 11:18 and already I have a solid 2nd place citizen. Why only 2nd place? Not pathetic enough!
- His pathetic plea http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/wan/123698608.html
- The backlash http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/wan/123750459.html

Single white female....

Ok, I'm officially putting the word out. If you know someone who wants/needs a roommate to share a space or looking for an apt let me know! I'm not sure I'm ready, but on the other hand I'm slowly being dirven insane!

Friday, January 06, 2006

Second place

Not to be outdone in second places comes some wack job who tries to justify how if you give him $2000, he'll give you $100

Got Gimmick?

So it took like 3 months but after reading way to many blogs and sleepless nights I have discovered my first Kawaii gimmick!
Craigslist is a treasure trove of the insane, inane, and down right awesome. So everyday I'm going to give an award to ...(drums please)...."Most Stupid CL Posting!"
Ok, so I wasn't a creative writing major. That's not the point.
Today's award goes to some poor shmuck who tried to fool the good people of Manhattan into giving him a free playstation by pretending to be a kid. The result? Delicious CL backlash!


After 5 years and countless send-backs to Toshiba, it looks as if my laptop is on it's last legs. If the worst happens and my laptop dies, I can't get back any of my info or, for that matter, afford to move out ever. Because I refuse to survive without a computer- this means one thing- I'm about to shell out several grand.
Several GRAND.
Where is the justice?!
So I'm starting a collection- not like any of you are actually gonna contribute let alone respond- but you never know. If you'd care to donate please email me at: TheSparkle@aol.com

Thursday, January 05, 2006


This is why you should never click on anything ever again. Sooner or later a horrible virus will seep into your already crazy machine, eat it's brain, and flash porno. If you are very lucky (As I am) you may work with a bunch of IT guys who know computers through and through. By the grace of God they're going to "fix" my now 6 year old dino lap top. "Fix" as in gut and reinstall windows.
But they claim they can save my pics, music, and word docs, so it's not a total loss.

Now that's what I call funny!

Ok, so maybe the idea of two gay cowboys knocking boots makes me want to hold onto my $10.75. But the drama behind "Bareback"...ahem..I mean "Brokeback Mountain", has lead to some serious PR including the now extremely common phrase "I wish I could quit you". Here is what happens when someone very clever gets their hands on pop culture. And for the record, smoking is gross- don't do it.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

12 dead yes- but what is the survivor? Chopped liver?!

Yes it's very sad that 12 miners died, yes it's horrible that their families thought for a few hours they were alive- but serious, WTF?
"The sole survivor, Randal McCloy, was in critical condition but showing no sign of brain damage or carbon monoxide poisoning after being trapped for 1 1/2 days, a doctor said. At 27, McCloy was the youngest in the group."- YAHOO
This is a miracle! A young married man with his life ahead of him survives, clearly meant to be, and everyone seems to think he's worthless compared to a bunch of much older men who didn't have their lives in front of them. I know, taboo to say, but people should be grateful it's not 13 men dead. When did the media make it OK to forget that there is still some good in the world vs. focus on all the bad? Why can't a miracle survivor sell papers just as well as those 12 dead?! Should they be remembered- of course. She we linger like watching a train wreck? NO!

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Leaving the nest

Sometimes I wish I could have been born either very clever or very lucky. Don't get me wrong- it's been a good life, but if I'd been born perhaps at the right hour or under the right sign I wouldn't be 23, confused, and haphazardly saving to move out. It has become abundantly clear that my time living with my mother is coming to a quick and messy end. Not that we've come to blows or anything.
But at the same time I am such a helpless Mama's girl I'm not sure I want to leave (aka grow up). I kept hoping that if I got a full time gig I could move out but so far it's been freelance and I'd have to dip into my savings which would deplete them rapidly with the Manhattan economy being what it is. And with no saving then what?
But on the other hand, the hand which wants to slap me silly, I want to move out for reasons I can't print but basically comes down to me being a slob. So I guess what I'm saying is I want to start looking for an apartment and some roommates (God I'll need like 30 to pay the bills), but I'm afraid I don't have enough money put away to stay put. In other words my savings will dry up and I'll end up back at home. Or homeless.
Since I began this obscene attempt to exsist outside of an acedemic setting almost 2 years ago I have been saving what money comes my way from gigs. Granted in this time period I have also blown a chunk of it on purses and keeping my blonde locks blonde, but I'd guess I could probably live humanely for like 1 month off of what I have tucked away.
It's times like this I wish I was rock solid and could just strip or get a sugar daddy to support my high end lifestyle.
Anyhoo you know someone who need a roommate? Someone who just died and has a rentshare apt just sitting there? A suagar daddy?
Let me know.